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Which bored me as hell, but saying anything against such rituals would be taken as a rebellion and so I had to sit in all sorts of boring prayers and religious activities. But I was so wrong in my opinion, yeah… my opinion changed on the very first day, after two long hours of sitting on the floor in one of such prayers….. cross legged along with all the other relatives while a fire was ignited and the priest started saying his mantras….. While sitting cross legged my knee touched the knee of a middle aged 30 – 35 year lf lady… I felt electrified…. She saw towards me and I bowed a “namaste” (Indian way of greeting elders with folded hands”). She smiled. Slowly I increased the touch as 2-3 other relatives came to sit near us…. so I had to sit a bit nearer to her. My hand made its was to her feet. She felt my hands on her feet but I pretended to be normal on face…. She changed the position and my hand pressed under her legs while she changed her legs in that. Sometimes it feels like I am the only one not headed to, but always headed away. In the parking lot, everyone’s getting high but me, out on the fringe. I can never bring myself to do it, with them, because I see the term itself as the lie inherent in their lives. ‘Getting high.’ It sounds like you’re rising above it all, but really it’s just getting comfortable with where you are. I never want to be comfortable in this place. That would be giving in. That would be losing. Inside, it’s loud noise, the smell of beer, a hundred clouds of beautiful women that I dress not to attract. Fleeting moments of contentment as I drift towards the bartender, half a step in one girl’s perfume, half a step in another’s. They never get beyond pretty in sight and smell, because that would destroy the illusion that I have been building since I walked through the door. That I don’t need anyone. The beer is cold and cheap, because even if getting drunk in the place you work means you have to be somewhere.
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